I am a wreck. Devastated. Demolished. Quashed. Bulldozed like a building in Williamsburg to make room for luxury apartments. I’m a month behind in my blog, I’m two weeks behind in my marathon training and I’m way behind in my child support payments. It just seems that no matter how hard I try to catch up, I remain off the pace. (OK, I don’t have kids, but if I did, my child support payments would most certainly be in arrears.). Every epic journey—from THE ODYSSEY to THE LORD OF THE RINGS to the POLICE ACADEMY saga—has that moment of crisis, that point of seemingly no return, that moment of truth where all seems lost, never to be regained again.
OK, my training for a measly marathon is NOT an epic journey, but like the U.S. economy and a balloon vendor, I’m prone to inflation. Much the same as when I’m discussing my sexual conquests, size of my manhood and the number of times I’ve been arrested for loitering, I tend to exaggerate and amplify—in this case, I’m speaking of embellishing the drama in my life. Yes, my Internet extended family, I plead guilty to that. When the most interesting thing going on in my life is finding out that pomegranate-blackberry is the upcoming flavor in my Jelly of the Month Club, I HAVE to add a little flair to my blog. So my transgression is I try to add a little panache to my posts. Sue me. Actually, please don’t—I’m REALLY behind in those child support payments…
Anyway, the reason for my despondence is… Damn it! I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry. Grown men shouldn’t cry. Midgets are allowed to cry, ’cause even though they’re men, they’re not really “grown,” so it’s OK for dwarfs to let the tears flow. But normal-sized guys shouldn’t weep. It’s not a manly thing to do, and it’s also offensive to midgets, because crying is one of the few things that little people can do that we normal-sized people can’t. It’s one of the benefits of being a little person. That, and they’re very rich and have hidden treasure chests. Oh, wait, that’s a leprechaun. My bad. Anyway, just like the pervert at the peep show, excuse me while I grab some Kleenex. I haven’t felt this bad since The Spin Doctors broke up. I apologize. It’s just that… it’s just that…
I lost my running partner. Louise is gone. I…I… I can’t talk about it now. It’s too soon. So, like I do with all of my problems and difficulties, I’m going to ignore the issue and focus all of my energy and efforts on something unconstructive, inconsequential and beside the point. That’s right, folks: I’m going to rate the Two Coreys and decide who is the better of the two: Corey Feldman or Corey Haim.
• Both share the same first name of Corey.
ADVANTAGE: EVEN
• Feldman shaved his head and killed Jason with a machete in FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER. In SILVER BULLET, Haim played a paraplegic who kills a werewolf and has Gary Busey for an uncle.
ADVANTAGE: HAIM
• Feldman fought GREMLINS and acted with Sloth in THE GOONIES (in which Feldman wore a PURPLE RAIN T-shirt throughout). Haim co-starred with Burt (ROCKY’s Uncle Paulie) Young in the short-lived TV series ROOMIES.
ADVANTAGE: HAIM
• Feldman starred as Ricky, “the hottest water instructor around” in the lamentable MEATBALLS 4. Haim starred as Griffin, “a rollerblader in the not-so-distant future of LA” who fights a rollerblading white supremacist youth gang in PRAYER OF THE ROLLERBOYS.
ADVANTAGE: HAIM
• Feldman played DONATELLO in TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES I & III. Haim has never played a pizza-eating, crimefighting, talking reptile who knows kung fu.
ADVANTAGE: FELDMAN
• Feldman divorced his parents when he was a kid. Haim did not.
ADVANTAGE: FELDMAN
• Feldman released the atrocious album FORMER CHILD ACTOR. Haim released the atrocious album YOU GIVE ME EVERYTHING. Feldman’s band is called TRUTH MOVEMENT. That ISN’T a joke.
ADVANTAGE: FELDMAN
• Feldman was “close friends” as a kid with Michael Jackson (and even dressed like him), but says even though Jackson supposedly showed him nude photos, the two never got it on. Haim was “close friends” with (and was even engaged to) CHARLES IN CHARGE’S Nicole Eggert. Even though the two didn’t marry, the two DID get it on.
ADVANTAGE: HAIM
• Feldman got married on THE SURREAL LIFE, in which he dressed up as Louie the XIV. The ceremony was officiated by M.C. Hammer (an ordained minister). Motley Crue’s Vince Neil and WEBSTER himself, Emmanuel Lewis, were in attendance. Haim is still single, has never married, but did blow up to 300 pounds at one point in his life.
ADVANTAGE: FELDMAN
Last one, and we’re all tied up at four apiece. Isn’t this exciting? So, who will be my favorite Corey? Ladies and gentlemen, drum roll please…
• Feldman is allegedly sober, drug free and has gotten his life in order. Haim is allegedly a mess, NOT drug free and reportedly showed up “disoriented” on the set of LOST BOYS 2.
ADVANTAGE: HAIM!!!!
There you have it, folks! COREY HAIM is now officially my favorite of the Two Coreys. And what does that mean? Jack shit. But it was a nice diversion and kept me from thinking about losing Louise. My running partner. My little buddy. My soused sidekick. My colleague in crapulence (that doesn’t mean shitting our pants; I’m referring to a gross excess in drinking). Great, now I’m crying again. I’m just a boo-hooing, blubbery, sobbing sad sack. Like the flat-chested girl stuffing her bra said to her best friend, “Could you please pass me a tissue?”
Monday, July 7 to Sunday, July 27 (Hey, I’m trying to catch up here)
RUNNING
23-25 miles/week
DRINKING
7-8 beers a night/5-6 days a week
SLEEPING
20 hours/day (I got hit in the head by a leaping sting ray and was in a coma for two weeks. OK, that’s bullshit, but I DID get hit by a leaping sting ray, although it didn’t put me into a coma. It just rendered me impotent. Now I spend all of my time re-reading THE SUN ALSO RISES and responding to Viagra spam e-mails. Man, I’ve got shitty luck.)
SLEEPING (FOR REAL)
5 hrs./night
• Feldman fought GREMLINS and acted with Sloth in THE GOONIES (in which Feldman wore a PURPLE RAIN T-shirt throughout). Haim co-starred with Burt (ROCKY’s Uncle Paulie) Young in the short-lived TV series ROOMIES.
ADVANTAGE: HAIM
• Feldman starred as Ricky, “the hottest water instructor around” in the lamentable MEATBALLS 4. Haim starred as Griffin, “a rollerblader in the not-so-distant future of LA” who fights a rollerblading white supremacist youth gang in PRAYER OF THE ROLLERBOYS.
ADVANTAGE: HAIM
• Feldman played DONATELLO in TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES I & III. Haim has never played a pizza-eating, crimefighting, talking reptile who knows kung fu.
ADVANTAGE: FELDMAN
• Feldman divorced his parents when he was a kid. Haim did not.
ADVANTAGE: FELDMAN
• Feldman released the atrocious album FORMER CHILD ACTOR. Haim released the atrocious album YOU GIVE ME EVERYTHING. Feldman’s band is called TRUTH MOVEMENT. That ISN’T a joke.
ADVANTAGE: FELDMAN
• Feldman was “close friends” as a kid with Michael Jackson (and even dressed like him), but says even though Jackson supposedly showed him nude photos, the two never got it on. Haim was “close friends” with (and was even engaged to) CHARLES IN CHARGE’S Nicole Eggert. Even though the two didn’t marry, the two DID get it on.
ADVANTAGE: HAIM
• Feldman got married on THE SURREAL LIFE, in which he dressed up as Louie the XIV. The ceremony was officiated by M.C. Hammer (an ordained minister). Motley Crue’s Vince Neil and WEBSTER himself, Emmanuel Lewis, were in attendance. Haim is still single, has never married, but did blow up to 300 pounds at one point in his life.
ADVANTAGE: FELDMAN
Last one, and we’re all tied up at four apiece. Isn’t this exciting? So, who will be my favorite Corey? Ladies and gentlemen, drum roll please…
• Feldman is allegedly sober, drug free and has gotten his life in order. Haim is allegedly a mess, NOT drug free and reportedly showed up “disoriented” on the set of LOST BOYS 2.
ADVANTAGE: HAIM!!!!
There you have it, folks! COREY HAIM is now officially my favorite of the Two Coreys. And what does that mean? Jack shit. But it was a nice diversion and kept me from thinking about losing Louise. My running partner. My little buddy. My soused sidekick. My colleague in crapulence (that doesn’t mean shitting our pants; I’m referring to a gross excess in drinking). Great, now I’m crying again. I’m just a boo-hooing, blubbery, sobbing sad sack. Like the flat-chested girl stuffing her bra said to her best friend, “Could you please pass me a tissue?”
Monday, July 7 to Sunday, July 27 (Hey, I’m trying to catch up here)
RUNNING
23-25 miles/week
DRINKING
7-8 beers a night/5-6 days a week
SLEEPING
20 hours/day (I got hit in the head by a leaping sting ray and was in a coma for two weeks. OK, that’s bullshit, but I DID get hit by a leaping sting ray, although it didn’t put me into a coma. It just rendered me impotent. Now I spend all of my time re-reading THE SUN ALSO RISES and responding to Viagra spam e-mails. Man, I’ve got shitty luck.)
SLEEPING (FOR REAL)
5 hrs./night
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